I can see clearly now

An essay I submitted to a Brave Healer's Badass Writer's contest and placed second! The prompt was to write about awareness. Enjoy!

Sunrise 2019 in our back field

Last year I turned 60, and I had plans for a yearlong celebration.  Instead, I found myself floundering, digging deep into self.

What do I want?  What’s in the way of me getting it?  What am I afraid of, and why am I afraid of it?

The answers didn’t come easily.  They were buried deep as they had been for decades.  Instead of “working hard” to excavate the answers  – I sat with the questions.

What I lovingly refer to as “the great pause” was just that—a chance to resist the need to do.  I didn’t pick up the book I had been working on for years and finish it.  I didn’t go all Marie Kondo and lovingly bless the 30 years of stuff we’ve piled into every crevice of our home as I let it go.  Mind full – like my closets – I kept thinking of all the things I could get done  -- yet I successfully heeded a primal urge to rest and regroup. 

I decided to do as little on the “list” as possible.

I got up to watch the sunrise – mug of fresh coffee in hand, completely in awe of the beauty surrounding me.  I sat immersed in that feeling of being instantly connected to everything, heart full of gratitude.   Slowly, trust began to grow.  A trust that all will be OK with me – and the world.

I began to wake up.  I felt more alive than I had ever felt.  I did Yoga, and as my muscles stretched, so did my mind.  I realized that it was simple.  Just stop making things happen.  Rest.  Rejuvenate.  As I did – I gained the courage and strength to follow what my heart knew all along.

Like an addict coming off an addiction, this did not come easily.  It was fraught with indecision, overwhelm, and anger.  The world around me was whirling in fear, and my own fears about my future were mixed in.

I now had the space and time to ride these emotional waves.  Time to ask my questions.

As I waited and listened, I realized the answers had always been there.   

Today I continue to sit in awareness.  I am slowly finding my way as I create space for my morning date with the sunrise and my steaming cup of Joe.   I have given voice to my fears, but I now know that they only have the power I give them.

Filled with an awareness of what matters most, I know how to let go of fears and expectations that no longer serve me.  Along with the silence, I welcome home parts of me that I’ve ignored and second-guessed for too long.