Mirror Mirror

Who am I?

Photo by Jeremy Vessey on Unsplash

Who am I?

Let me count the ways. Well, that is being a bit flippant about a question that I believe we must ask ourselves deeply, more than just a few times in our lives.

You see, we are always becoming—constantly changing, morphing, and molting like moths because life has a way of affecting us—changing us in ways we sometimes don’t easily see.

That becoming is on display when we are children. I have the pleasure of watching it in real time as I witness my first granddaughter becoming. She is exploring and constantly curious about the life around her. She touches and pulls on things, testing and observing reactions as she learns about herself and her surroundings.

We do that as adults; we just aren’t as transparent as my one-year-old granddaughter.

The process of becoming is evident throughout childhood and is particularly challenging for teenagers transitioning into young adulthood. (This can be even more painful for parents to observe, but that's a different story.)

Who am I?

Have you asked yourself that lately? We may assume we “know” that already because of our age, but it’s a valid question to ask.

Knowing who we are is a precursor to something I feel we all must do to be balanced and have healthy relationships. We must learn to love ourselves, to like who we are, and to treat ourselves with loving care and kindness before we can even begin to try to love and care for another.

Think of loving ourselves as training wheels for our other deep relationships. I am even imagining the analogy that is so often used about self-care: having to put the oxygen mask on ourselves in a plane emergency before helping our children.

Yes, we have to learn to love ourselves before we can love another, and to love ourselves, we have to know who we are. (Yes, it’s a chicken and egg kinda thing ...)

Sometimes, when I think back on my life, I have difficulty liking who I was at various times—yet, I can appreciate why I was who I was back then.

That brings me to another quandrum – once we know who we are, we must learn to accept it. Self-acceptance is also a major aspect of knowing who we are.

This one was tricky. You see, for much of my life, I looked (and if I’m honest, I sometimes still do) for acceptance outside myself.

Some of this is natural, as we all have a fundamental human need to be loved and appreciated by others. This need is as essential as food and water; we can’t thrive without feeling loved and valued. I’ve seen and experienced what happens when this need isn’t met. It’s sneaky. It comes up when we least expect it and often sabotages our close and loving relationships because we seek to have a need filled by others that we can only fill ourselves.

Have you ever had people in your life with whom the relationship is rocky and rugged? Conflict rears its ugly head more often, and it’s easy in these situations to point the finger at them, wishing they would change. Yet, I have found that the work to improve the relationship must start within us.

Go figure.

Yes, we have to look deep inside to see what unmet needs we have that aren’t being met. What belief is getting in the way of meeting those needs? How can I expect this person to meet these needs if I’m unsure what they are or where they came from?

The thing is, to know what we need or want from another, we must know ourselves. (I told you it was a chicken and egg thing!)

We must understand ourselves to know what is and isn’t working in our relationships. We must know our own “boundaries” – where we begin and end before we mesh ourselves with another.

Yes, this leads us back to learning to love, appreciate, and accept ourselves—the whole kit and caboodle.

It starts by being honest with ourselves. We look in the “mirror” -- inside ourselves -- and work through what we see.

I’m in my mid-60s and still at it. I have to say that there are more days now that I look ‘in the mirror’ and appreciate and like what I see. I can more often begin to see what others see in me.

For years, I presented to others what I had hoped they would see, never thinking I could ever come close to that ideal image. More and more, I am accepting of who I really am. I have begun to love myself, flaws and all.

For much of my almost 40-year marriage, my husband Rich has looked me in the eyes and told me how beautiful I am.

I’m only now just beginning to see what he sees in me.