Sweet Surrender of Spring
We greet the Spring Equinox of 2023 today.
A quick Google search reveals that Spring Equinox officially happens tonight – March 20, 2023, at 5:24 PM EST. This is when both hemispheres (Northern and Southern) experience equal amounts of sunshine.
While I love the fact Spring is just around the corner for us on the East Coast after a weird winter – Spring is more than that to me.
Just as Spring awakens light and heat outside our door, it can awaken something with us if we choose to surrender to it. We may not be able to control the “weather” outside – but we can control the weather inside.
This reminds me of the phrase – “Spring Fever.”
Want to catch Spring Fever with me?
There is something so lovely about the beginning of spring. I love and appreciate all seasons; this is true.
We are leaving winter behind us. Ahhhh, winter, with its’ crisp cold fresh air, the sun reflecting blindly off fresh crystals of snow – a new, clean, and beautiful blanket across our landscape. So serene. So pure.
Yet, Spring brings promise. Promise and something else......
Spring brings hope. Yes, I don’t think there is another season that awakens hope like Spring can.
Lovely. Light. Spring.
Spring’s warmer breezes beckon us to shed our layers.
“Come, Come,” she urges. “Come outside. Come out and play!”
I remember the early spring days – that first year after I got my driving license.
More comfortable and confident after having driven (and survived) my first winter behind the wheel, I remember feeling the sun through the winter-weary dirt-speckled windshield and opening the window for the first time that Spring.
At first, despite the inviting sunshine, I felt the shock of a burst of fresh chilly air rushing in as I rolled down the window halfway. It sent an initial shiver down my spine, but it was refreshing. After adjusting to the temperature – and gripping the steering wheel at 9 and 3 o’clock -- I slowly relaxed and let myself feel a hint of warmth in the air rushing past my face.
It was then that I felt it.
The promise of warmer, sunnier days ahead.
I don’t remember where I was going, but I remember feeling hope. I felt free. I felt confident I was moving toward something – perhaps even something new.
It was glorious. Just thinking about it and describing it, I can feel it all over again!
It’s all about choice.
We must choose to embrace those moments of pure pleasure as they arise. If we do, those moments point us toward joy, happiness, and hope.
These moments are road markers on our journey to our true selves.
“The little things? The little moments? They aren’t little.” Jon Kabat-Zinn
Spring, my friends, offers us a bridge we can choose to take from winter’s dark cold to summer's bright heat.
The chilly breeze may still be there – but we can turn our faces to the sun and take the time to feel the warmth and promise of what is to come.
It’s a choice we have to make. Do we risk coming out and playing – or stay safe, bundled up inside?
I have worked hard most of my life to take risks to step out of my comfort zone. A comfort zone that has kept me safe. With support from those who love me, talented therapists, and guides, I’ve slowly trained myself to embrace life’s pleasures.
It has not been easy to embrace with open arms what the present moment can offer me, especially when my childhood challenges had wired my brain to default to fear and self-protection.
That habit of pulling back served me when I was young. It protected me. Yet, I realized it kept me from something I wanted—a deeper connection with those who love me and an authentic connection to myself and the world around me.
It kept me from being in the moment and feeling all the feels.
I can now say that embracing everyday moments is magical. And listening to Spring’s first sweet bird songs of a Song Sparrow or the declaration of “It is spring!” from a red-winged blackbird remind me of the value of choosing to be in this moment – right here and now.
However, not every moment in life is so sweet.
Allowing ourselves to be open to the experience of the moment – no matter what that moment is – is not easy. It’s damn hard sometimes. We have to surrender. And to surrender is to be vulnerable.
One of the most challenging things I’ve had to do is to let go and allow feeling pleasure in my body and mind. It has been a lifelong quest to broaden my brain’s capacity to allow me to choose to enjoy the blissfulness of a moment – be it a simple touch of the breeze on my skin or the sun on my face. To retrain my brain to no longer jump to fear, fight, or flight at the tender touch of my husband of 35 years.
To do this – I have had to pause. Learn to take a breath and be in what is right now. I’ve taken the time to ground myself in what is happening now – so I don’t jump back to the past or into the unknown future.
“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” Buddha
Our brains are wired for pleasure. We have pleasure centers in the midbrain, the seat of our emotions. This part of our brain is designed to fire in response to stimuli to ensure survival. Food, exercise, and sex trigger the chemical release of dopamine and serotonin to another area of our brain that tell us – this is good. We like this. Keep doing this. Intense negative experiences of fear, pain, or suffering – trigger a part of the brain that tells us – BE VERY AFRAID -- get out of there NOW!
When our brain is healthy, we naturally gravitate to choosing pleasures over staying withdrawn. However, in the case of trauma with either a little “t” or a big “T,” our natural predisposition to pleasure and being in the moment gets hijacked and keeps us in survival brain. We stay frozen and unable to enjoy what is right before us. This is not bad because it is a way our brains help us regulate and feel safe. We choose comfort over risking what may be very unfamiliar.
I was habitually choosing comfort over the promise of true pleasure.
Crazy. Isn’t it?
My brain was trained to always be in the fear, fight or flight mode, so my automatic response was to be anywhere BUT IN THE MOMENT (because I believe my brain was trained to escape what was happening at the moment because it was too painful as I was being traumatized as a child ). This also led me down the worn path of trying to control every moment. Even trying to control others around me.
That’s like trying to control the weather. Trying to will Spring to come despite those last few winter whopper storms that come our way no matter what season the calendar tells us it should be.
We all know what we control is limited. But we control the choices we make. We can make a new choice even if our brains tell us it isn’t safe. Yet we can trust ourselves to reach out of our comfort zone and try something different. Make a different choice.
Years of different types of therapy have undoubtedly helped me retrain my brain. Yet, I have found that mindfulness has allowed me to slow things down so I can use self-awareness to surrender to the moment. Taking this risk gave me the great reward of feeling true pleasure when I thought it wasn’t possible because I thought I was broken.
I learned to retrain my brain by seeking, seeing, and feeling the good in each moment. The promise of — dare I say it — pleasure.
I took baby steps toward recognizing pleasure when it was there.
I did this whether I was driving down the highway with the windows open, belting out a song on the radio, or savoring a delicious piece of dark chocolate. I felt the pain of my deep sadness and loss, and just when I thought I could never return from it - I felt a release - like the pop of a bubble - and I could come back to feel raw but alive. This practice let me get lost in the sensual pleasure of what my body could feel without fear.
I have spent years “practicing” pleasure. It is part of a mindful practice to stop and feel the moment's joy no matter where I am.
Even now, as I am writing this blog post, I take a moment and stop typing. I pause to sip the deliciously nutty flavor of my morning coffee as I glance outside my window to notice the sun’s golden rays creeping up from behind the hill. I take a grateful breath and am thankful for this moment’s beauty.
I’m feeling the feels, and it’s beautiful.
Moments like this bring me back to myself. To my true nature. To who I am.
I have a right to feel deeply from my core. You do too. To not hide from sensual pleasures, be intimate with this moment, and find purpose in choosing to be here now.
Right now, I choose to find my way to my creative voice. To share that voice with you in these words, I type. In these words, you now read.
My pleasure practice has helped me experience physical, sensual pleasures I had not thought possible. But, more importantly, it has opened up a doorway to experience life as it is.
The joy of working toward a goal and achieving it.
To witness the beauty in a moment between a mother and her child in line at the grocery store.
Feeling the warmth of the spring sun on my face with the promise of something more to come.
Join me!
What are you waiting for?
Get that Spring in your step!
Don’t stay safely bundled up.
Spring is here. Summer is coming.
Dare to step outside your comfort zone.
Be brave.
Focus on the pleasure that is waiting for you.
Choose it.
Feel it.
Embrace it.
Surrender to it.
May new beginnings awaken within you this Spring!
Happy Spring!
So hopeful!! Thank you!!