I value waiting. I guess it’s part of getting older.
I certainly couldn’t wait well as a youngster. It was excruciating to wait for anything. Don’t you remember the antsy anticipation that accompanied waiting for any special event to happen – a holiday (Christmas especially), a vacation, or a birthday party? It was almost as bad as having to wait for your turn to go to the bathroom when time was of the essence. Painful.
That pain reminds me of when Mom would reply with a sad “maybe’ whenever I was asking for something at a store. I would wait for her final answer with hope in my heart, even though I knew that maybe was her code word for No.
There are many kinds of waiting.
Some waiting is downright anxiety-producing – we can all agree we don’t love that type.
It could be the dreaded waiting for medical test results to arrive – or to learn if you’ve “passed the test,” whatever test that may be. And don’t get me started on the “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type waiting. That produces negative spirals we won’t get into here.
Lately I wake up at night and find myself waiting to get back to sleep. That isn’t fun until I give up and write a post like this instead of trying to go back to sleep. (Fun fact: I wrote this post early this morning, around 4:30 am)
Then, there are the tedious waits. Waiting in line anywhere. Being on the “wait list” or in the “waiting period.” Oh, we can’t forget the customer service wait. That can quickly move from tedious to treacherous.
I do enjoy some waiting. Waiting for my coffee to “bloom” as I pour the hot water over the freshly ground beans in my Chemex. Ahhhh, that’s something worth the wait.
Sometimes waiting in the airport isn’t so bad. I know I’m going somewhere – eventually, I’ll get there, and hopefully, it’s somewhere fun and maybe even foreign—a place to explore. And while I wait, I can treat myself to a fancy coffee and people-watch. I’m sure the stories and situations I’m making up about you while you are also waiting are much more exciting than reality. That makes the wait go faster.
Still round the corner, there may wait, A new road or a secret gate. J. R. R. Tolkien
As I’ve gotten older, I also value waiting’s older cousin – the purposeful pause. This I have learned to embrace – maybe even love.
Practicing the art of pausing isn’t easy – but once you get the hang of it, it’s pure bliss. I’ve said this before (who “they” are -- I’m not sure), but “they” say that music is the space between the notes. For me, pausing is the space between. Period. Pauses are life’s mini-intermissions.
Yes, pausing gives me breathing space – a hiatus -- an interlude – just to be. No waiting. It works best with no anticipation. Just being with what is in this moment. And before we know it, we are in the next moment. It’s magic.
I just thought of this. If pausing were more active, it might be like life’s yawn. Hmm, I’m not sure that works. Let me know.
Pausing is different than waiting in that it sometimes has a specific purpose. When I meditate, for example.
“The more you are focused on time—past and future—the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is.” Buddha
If I have no agenda for my pause – it’s nice because I don’t need to know what is on the other side. The part of the purposeful pause that I love is just that. There is nothing there but space, time, and, well .. nothingness.
It’s a skill I am learning to hone... being able to pause without anticipating what is next. To be in the space of in between. Putting myself in an adult time-out. Come to think of it, I have a favorite time-out chair in my living room!
It’s hard to do, though. Expecting an outcome comes naturally to us. We carry judgments, hopes, and dreams within us – it’s hard to disentangle from them. Oh, and thoughts. Those are hard to let go of. They can inundate us and ruin an otherwise perfect pause.
When I can pause, well, it is heaven. I feel so much better when I slow things down. Life seems brighter and open – even expansive. Time unfurls like the clouds in the sky that I sometimes watch while in a good long pause.
It opens me up to all possibilities. It gives me space to relax into allowing and leaving behind the push and pull that can happen while waiting.
“The little things? The little moments? They aren’t little.” Jon Kabat-Zinn
Yet, I’ve also grown to appreciate waiting. That bit of excitement -- even suspense -- that comes with the hopefulness that accompanies waiting.
There are so many things I’m waiting for.
One big thing Rich and I – and our family – are lovingly anticipating – and waiting for – is the arrival of our first grandchild. Our daughter and her husband are expecting their first child in early May. I am gleefully awaiting that familiar glow that one must get once one becomes a grandparent. You know the one. It’s the extreme happiness I can see in the eyes of my friends who have reached this pinnacle of parenthood. Their eyes and faces burst with joy when they share the latest feat their grandchildren have accomplished or recount adoring moments with “ the grandkids.”
I can’t wait for those moments. I know my daughter and son-in-law can’t wait, either. But this may be the case where waiting means they don’t know what to anticipate. All of us who are parents know they don’t have a clue what they are in for. That, too, is part of the joy of waiting with them. After they become parents, I think that is when they will appreciate a nice long, purposeful pause. That will come when the kid goes off to college, I guess. Another thing worth waiting for...
Speaking of birthing something... I’m also waiting for the publication of my book. It’s an anxious waiting, too. I don’t know what to expect, although I hope others get something valuable from reading it. I’ve spent at least six years writing stories, culling ones that will be in there and others that aren’t—editing and polishing them. It’s kind of like making a piece of artwork – or decorating a cake even. You have to know when it’s done and when it’s enough.
I keep thinking of stories I haven’t told that should be in there. Or wondering if – and hoping- it will make sense to someone else.
I guess we’ll all have to wait and see.
Laurie,
This post is a sweet walk with me, the reader. I'm going to pay attention to the 'waiting' today - see what different kinds there are for me. I appreciate the poke - a ponderable. Hope you enjoyed the coffee!